


The greatest Lie

by Thaum



Series: Asgardians [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Family, Feelings, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, Love, M/M, Pseudo-Incest, Self-reproach, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-05-06 03:33:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14633211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thaum/pseuds/Thaum
Summary: As if he had ever been the strong one.Thor is all miserable after Lokis death and has to face loss, self doubt and his feelings. Or: I don't wanna hear the sound, of losing what I never found.





	The greatest Lie

**Author's Note:**

> After watching the last recent Avengers movie, I felt the urge to give this idea a try, which has been buried for a long time in my mind. 
> 
> By now, I guess, Thor slowly gets used to watch Loki die. Me too somehow, for I still do not believe, he will not come back in the next movie. Dr. Strange had something in mind with giving the time stone away without any resistance..
> 
> Whatever, this story is situated after the first time, after the second Thor movie "The dark Kingdom".
> 
> English isn't my first language. Be nice.

The nights were the most terrible. He dreaded both the same way: lying awake and falling asleep. Awake, his thoughts took a life on its own, forced him to face all the things he ran away from at daylight, where he took every opportunity to keep himself busy. And when nothing was left to do, he trained until he felt exhausted enough to fall asleep where he stood. But still, he couldn’t, because he still remembered and nothing had changed. Because he was weak.

To think, his father, his people, thought him strong and Loki weak, seemed laughable. He _would_  in fact have laughed, if he hadn't felt so sick about it. They knew nothing. Whatever Loki had been or done, right or wrong, he had always been true to himself and no one could say otherwise. He had been in spite and against of all and everyone, so alive, utterly, uncompromisingly alive, full of dreams, despair, love, rage and bottomless extremes. And he had wanted, oh how much, how deeply he had wanted. He always wanted to be more, than he was with a longing, Thor never experienced by himself. He wasn’t used to it, he never wanted, he always had. He wasn't even sure, if he really wanted the throne. He expected to get it, it was going to happen. He never thought about fighting for it. He was given, he was designed to get and he had never done anything to strive for more. How could they name him strong while they called his little brother weak for fighting with all he had, with all his heart? How it had burnt through every fibre of his being, setting the world around him ablaze. Thor had often wondered, how his slender form could take all this in until it didn’t. Until it had burst out of him and he had done horrible things to prove everybody wrong, not willing to stand aside, not willing to settle for less than everything there was.

Thor wished, he could have reasoned with him then, could have offered support, a right choice, morals and goodness, an alternative. _Himself_. The norns knew, he tried. But he had failed, he had never matched Lokis tempers nor his quick, twisted wits. He, the favoured one, who was he to talk about right and just? What could he understand about rejection and never being good enough, no matter what? Loki had laughed, a cold and cruel sound that had hurt more, than each insult he threw at him afterwards. Thor had only stared at him silently and taken the angry outburst, every scornful word. One by one had hit. But the worst had been the contempt, clearly written over Lokis face. The same face that meant so much to him. _Not enough. Never enough._  He should have stopped him, it had been his responsibility to protect his brother, even if it meant to protect him from himself. He should have forced him to stop, for all it is worth, for all _he_ was worth. But instead, Thor had said and done nothing and had learned about weakness, wanting and rejection. Those moments when he had failed both of them, and the consequences - the sight of Loki, sitting at the ground, body and mind imprisoned, bloody and as broken as his smashed surroundings - these were some of the darkest memories of Thors life. He would always remember the look in his eyes. Hurt for hurt. Betrayal for betrayal. This was justice. _Fuck justice._

These gut wrenching thoughts normally caused him to close his eyes, wishing sleep would finally take him. It was always a mistake because it made it even worse. When he was able to see him in his wretched dreams in every detail he wished to forget and to never forget all at once. He lived again through careless days full of laughter, saw the mirth in Lokis bright, green eyes, heard his beautiful voice and felt the warmth of his smile somewhere deep in his chest. And he also remembered their fights, the small and the important ones, the playful mocking and the hate that had been true and so wrong. The fury he had felt as the betrayal had threatened to tear him apart. How he had wanted to murder him, over and over again for rendering him so helpless, for making him suffer, for making him _feel_. Oh, how he had made him feel, how it had filled him up down into the deepest and darkest corner, way too much for a single man to stay sane. And maybe he had understood then, maybe that had been the point.

All that had drained off him as he had held him in his arms when he died. He had died for doing the right and selfless thing for once in his life.  _So, that was justice? Fuck justice._ It had left him empty and numb and he rarely recognized the man anymore, he saw in the mirror. The golden god, the thunderer, the doubtless, just, strong future king, without fault and oh so very selfless - a stranger. Thor gave a stifled whimper, remembering the last time, he had seen his brother. The moment, he had stood all alone in the hall next to Lokis cold body to say his goodbye. His skin had been so pale, slightly blue, nearly translucent. He had felt like choking when it hit him, that he was looking down at what had been his own strength and would be forever all of his weakness. There it laid, the unrivaled, unyielding strength of the god of thunder, and it looked so strangely _breakable_. Thor had touched Lokis brow then with trembling hands and had almost flinched away by the cold.. how could something that had been so passionate possibly be so cold..? And in the weakest and loneliest moment of his entire life, there it had been, when he had stolen something, that hadn’t been his to take. But oh, how he had _wanted_. How he wanted to freeze all over and burn down into ashes. _Selfless, my ass._

The mighty god of thunder sobbed and buried his head in his hands, cried bitter tears for everything that was irretrievably lost. Cried for every precious thing his brother had taken with him, for all what he had left behind.  _No_ , he couldn’t deny it, he knew the man in the mirror, he knew him rather perfectly well. The master of deception, false and weak, trying to fool everybody, including himself.  _No more._ Yes, he knew what he was; all he was without, and all he had ever been with him:

Nothing, but the greatest lie, that had ever touched his brothers lips.


End file.
